Regret
by shizukoyasu
Summary: "I only wished that I wouldn't feel this...goddamn you, Kaworu. I wish I could hate you." A sad smile graced his face. "...I know."


**Disclaimer**: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, nor any of the characters.

Warning: Male/Male. No like, no read. You have been warned.

Also, instead of using _Kaoru_ like it is listed here on ff, I decided to use_ Kaworu_. I remember reading that somewhere in the book, although I could be wrong.

_Summary:_

_"I only wished that I wouldn't feel this...goddamn you, Kaworu. I wish I could hate you." "...I know."_

* * *

That day. Those moments. When crimson eyes met soft brown. Eyes that felt like they were staring straight at his soul. Piercing and heart-rending.

When he smiled.

When he laughed.

When those eyes softened as they gazed at him""…_god...""_

He** hated** him.

He **hated** everything about him.

From his soft-spoken voice, to his sliver hair, to his pale complexion. To that laugh that warmed him to the brim of his being. His apperance so different...so strange…so _normal_...for him.

* * *

"_I'm saying that I love you, Ikari..."_ When he had uttered those words, Shinji felt like he was breaking inside..._""How am I worthy of love?""_

His eyes closed, pained. No one has ever said they loved him since his mother died…not ever since his father left him. Abandoned him. Left him to drown among the whispers that haunted throughout his childhood. Those callous whispers...that dug at his chest even deeper, enlarging a wound that he didn't even realize he had.

Alone...""_What's to say that you'll leave me too?_""

He didn't need anymore pain. Not another false promise.

Again, he uttered those words that tore at him inside. Words that were repeated against his lips in a soft caress...soothing, reassuring.

Dead brown eyes stared at oddly soft crimson eyes before the owner was pushed away violently. A hurt expression filtered his face before mixing in with a strange understandment.

Dark crimson eyes that showed no pity...no sympathy. Instead slender fingers tralied across the other's face before taking a step closer. His breath making Shinji shiver with its warmth as it hit his face softly.

"_Your heart is fragile, like glass_" he said with a smile. _"You want to be loved but you keep pushing people away as to not be hurt again. A person needs to handle you carefully...you make me want to hide you away from the world, to cherish you forever."_

_"" How could he love someone so broken?"" _This single thought that whirled inside. His emotions wreaked havoc on his mind...

_"I think…I was born in this world to meet you, Shinji."_

Shinji felt numb.

_"I'm saying I love you."_

He ran. He couldn't stand to hear those words. For so long he had longed to hear them...but now they felt like needles that pricked at his skin. He ran hoping that Kaworu wouldn't follow.

* * *

The rain fell in sheets, covering the sidewalks, forming a small stream that ran down the gutters. The soft pitter-patter resonating throughout the streets. A lone figure walking through it.

Shivering slightly as a soft breeze ran, whipping his hair around, the figure kept walking with his arms that hugged it's body.

"You keep saying you hate me…yet you keep coming back." He murmured. The figure looked up, swaying in the cold. Trembling, a hand reached out to take a hold of the speaker's shirt. The sound of raindrops hitting the top of the umbrella as the figure was pulled under. Murky brown eyes pleaded as despair was written all over his face.

Helplessness overcoming the fatigue a lonely soul feels. Restlessness. Hunger. A desperation that grasped him tightly, not letting go until it can be satisfied.

A soft pressing of the lips. Gentle.

Both eyes still opened. Waiting for the dream to end.

A warm tongue tracing his bottom lip…asking…lidded eyes filled with a question.

He could've pulled away, but he didn't. Shuddering against him, he surrendered. That was his answer. Sighing softly as Kaworu took hold of his mouth. An arm that snaked around his waist pulling them closer. Lips that traveled down his throat, nipping, biting down sharply beneath the collarbone. A whimper escaping Shinji's lips.

* * *

Pale hands held tan wrists in a tight grip above Shinji's head. Locks of dark brown hair were plastered against his forehead. His cheeks were flushed as his eyes burned with desire.

He knew it was wrong…but growing up deprived of love, made him hungry. Made him hungry for warmth. The warmth that Kaworu offered so freely.

Gasps. Moans. Heavy, ragged breathing filled the small room. Hands roaming, arching into the others touch. A tangle of limbs. A curious exploration of the other's body.

_"What is it that you fear, Shinji?"_

Grinding…his hips rolling in between the other's legs. Their stiff, erections rubbing against one another…the contact of skin on skin was almost too much to bear.

_"Do… you trust me?"_ His eyes were hesitant, as he asked. Giving him a chance to back out.

Did he trust him? Yes. _""Yes…more than I've ever trusted anyone before.""_

There was pain as the grey-haired boy slid into him. All the same, Shinji locked eyes with him as the sharp ache came as Kaworu entered him fully.

_"You feel so delicate…so fragile..."_

Their breaths were erratic and unsteady, his body slowly adjusting to the invasion. Pain shot through his back. A feeling that he was complete filled him. Their slow and jerky movements became the slow rhythm of love-making. His fingers tangled in the soft, grey hair, arching his back to meet each thrust as Kaworu moved, their panted breaths mingled. Their hearts pounding.

_"My life was meaningful because of you…"_

His lover delved deeper as his body quivered with a sudden pleasure, beads of sweat ran down his legs as it spread further, desperate to take more of him in, locking around slender hips. Their pace grew more feverish, as the ecstasy of climax grew nearer, their bodies tensing. Shinji cried out Kaworu's name softly as he felt him come. He groaned as he felt Shinji felt so unbearably tight. Breathing in the rich scent of his lover, engaging in a slow kiss, hearing him whisper those three words against his lips again, made Shinji smile. A giddy feeling sprung, startling him with this foreign happiness.

_""Kaworu…""_

_"Hmmm?" _

_""Again? Please? I don't want to feel anything else but you…""_

Kaworu gazed down at this boy…this human who had stolen his heart.

It broke him inside to see his gentle smile, those bright love-filled eyes….knowing that with the arriving day, his betrayal of this glass heart would be complete. That he'll leave him, just like everyone else had done. A tear slid down as he started moving again.

For now he could pretend that everything would be alright and give Shinji what he craved for. Finally giving Shinji the love and peace he so desired…would be enough. For right now being in his embrace would be enough. Never had Kaworu thought he would one day feel…**regret**.

* * *

_"Only one of us can survive this…I'd much prefer it to be you."_

Shinji's eyes still burned with tears, as he remembered everything. He clenched his fist until his skin broke, blood that flowed freely…and screamed in anguish and agony, as though he were the one who had died.

_""But I want you to stay. I want you to stay here with me…""_ The tears fell freely now, landing with soft "pat-pat" noises upon the plastic of Shinji's plug suit.

_"I know...we will see each other again soon, Shinji. Don't cry…"_

His heart felt cold, his body dead and his soul empty. Shinji's eyes wandered to the heavens.

The feeling of his lifeless body still in the Eva's hand…his hand. How Kaworu still kept smiling even after he died.

Even now as he cradled the detached head in his arms. Those words…those last loving words. How they reverberated throughout his mind. Reminding him. Torturing him with its sincerity.

Shinji wasn't pure. But Kaworu made him pure.

He wasn't happy. But Kaworu made him happy.

_"My life was meaningful because of you…"_

Those crimson eyes that stared at him blankly now, dead.

_'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to love me, Kaworu…?'_

No longer wanting to think or feel, not caring if the world crumbled down around him, all he wanted now was to lie and close his eyes to escape this nightmare.

_"I'm saying I love you."_

No longer wanted to feel...**regret**. Regret for what could've been. Regret for...

_"I think…I was born in this world to meet you, Shinji Ikari…"_

Bright crimson eyes that gazed at him so softly as slender arms held him.

_"I only wished that I wouldn't feel this...goddamn you, Kaworu. __I wish I could hate you."_

_A sad smile graced his face."...I know"_

_

* * *

_

This pairing has always made me feel so sad. I cried when Kaworu died.

--shizukoyasu


End file.
